Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality DIsorder

Hi,
I found your blog last July after my (now ex) girlfriend set up a scenario where she attempted to make me look abusive in public…and then had a guy there to run down and threaten to shoot me if I went near her. We had started to go kayaking that day. I love kayaking, but knew better than to get stuck on the water for a whole day with her—especially if she was in a bad mood. 

She had owned this kayak for about a year and I blew off her attempts to get me to go until last June. She had gone on this particular route with her roommate two weekends before and either enjoyed it. Or more likely, had scouted the area out to either have the crap beat out of me….or killed. She is Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality DIsorder co-morbidly. I know this because when we first got together she told me in confidence that her ex-husband had it. I realized later thatall the bad traits she projected on to him, were really things she hated about herself. 

We headed downriver and made it about 1000 yards, when I suggested that I call strokes so we didn’t paddle against each other. She replied, “that’s the stupidest fucking idea I’ve ever heard.” And right then,I knew that this day was going to be mierable. So I told her I was it was over, that I loved kayaking but hated her and would no longer tolerate her abuse. 

I paddled both of us back to the boat ramp where she proceeded to pull my life jacket and knock me off balance and onto her Then she screamed, “Go ahead! Do it! I date you!!!” I laguhed at her theatrics and replied “Do what” and then walked away to begin putting the kayak up on the shore. She drove that day, so after insulting me, berating me and throwing every possible invective at me she could muster up to no avail….she gave up on her plan and went to get the car. 

It was here that she either saw a man in the parking lot who had not seen what happened and told him I was abusing her…or he was a friend and already knew what he was supposed to do. 15 minutes after she had pulled me on top of her, he came running down swearing at me and telling me he would kill me. He said he was a police officer. I laughed at that suggestion because he looked like a dirty, sketchy meth addict. I grabbed an or and put the sharp end to his neck and held him back. She said nothing to stop the insanity or dissuade him from trying to hurt me. Instead she continued insulting me and trying to provoke me into doing something stupid.

They were unsuccessful and I had begun rolling video on my iPhone to document the situation (thank god). I have never been inclined to abuse my girlfriends ….ever. I was pissed. But not so pissed to realize that I was being set up. After the scene in the water,, I had the presence of mind to start recording video. Unfortunately,I had just turned it off when the guy came running at me and had to pick up a boat oar to fend him off. 

My ex-girlfriend ended up looked kinda stupid. And being NPD/BPD, looking like an idiot is something she cannot let go of. So she began to punish me. Of course I didn’t realize this was happening until I called her because my Social Security NUmber had been used fraudulently, strangely in 5 or so cities that she happened to have lived in in the past. I threatened to call the police in a voice mail. And not surprisingly, thenext day the sherriff of her county called me and told me she had filed for a restraining order.

The judge dismissed it. Burt not before I realized that my lawyer was doing her best to throw the proceeding in my ex’s fabor. The town that the ex lives in is small. The lawyer livers there so I had reservations and asked my lawyer if she knew my ex. She was greatly offended and informed me that would be a conflict of interest. Turns out my lawyer was the friend of my ex that I had never met in person. 

She promised that she would try to dissuade my ex from taking it to court, but kept asking for all my evidence that would smear my ex to use as ammunition. It never happened. I sent her a few things but nothing that would prove that my ex was an amateur porn “star” or a prostitute or a meth addict. I didn’t feel those things were appropriate and I also didn’t want my ex to know all of the dirt I had found by running a background check. 

My lawyer tried to torpedo me in court. But she failed and the case was dismissed. I left the courthouse after she made sure I was out the door so she could talk to my ex and her new boyfriend. I called the bar association in a nearby parking lot and then returned to get some things I had left in the building. I thought they would be gone, but as I pulled into the parking lot, she was in her van and her new boyfriend was walking to his car. I turned around and pulled up to her minivan and told her to enjoy my retainer and that she wasn’t worth a penny of the money. 

Now I’ve been given a restraining order and face a new case which has switched form civil to criminal court. No proof has been offered to date as to either the email or the voicemail they are using as evidence. Only her word. And even with those two pieces of evidence, I have not made a single threat to harm her. I only threatened to call the poiice about a crime she had commited with my social security card. I had to take an unplanned leave of absence from work and get some help with my anxiety. She has done her best to drive a wedge between me and my family….and she directed another friend of hers with Borderline Personality Disorder to get in a relationship with my best friend and to keep him from spending any time with me. I think the goal is to isolate me and smear my name so I will lose and be discredited before I can get the FBI and local police to investigate her crimes. So far it is working. 

My ex has used hundreds of aliases. Not sure which she used in your area. She has lived all over california, Florida, New York, Nebraska, Kansas and Las Vegas. I even found evidence she has  taken her shit-show as far as Sydney, Austraila. Supposedly she was sexually abused by nearly every man that she ever so much as looked at. Namely…her stepdad supposedly mollested her for years. Recently i believe that I have discovered that she ended up marrying him (or at least lived with and had kids with him.)  

Sorry to dump all this on you. You have dealt with enough. But I had to check this box before I went to trial in hopes of a hail Mary. We’ll see what happens.

Oregon Restraining Order Questions

This is a question from a reader in Oregon, please comment if you can offer any help.

I'm helping a friend contest a restraining order that his ex of just now a year is trying to renew for the 2nd year and get a stalking order/protection order against her.
 She has been catfishing him portraying herself to be someone else and making him think she is interested in dating him. They were in contact over messenger her contacting him trying to set up times and places to meet 
and every time he went he would run into his ex girlfriend the one that has the protection order against him, at the beginning she convinced him to exchange pictures,
 and exchanged sexual talk but he finally was realized after the 4th time of trying to meet up.
 and the ex showed again it has to be her catfishing. 
Another night she approached myself and his other friends slandering his name and causing a huge scene, 
the only way she would of known we were his friends is by her stalking his social media accounts. 
How does he protect himself from her? 
We have court on the Aug 4th,
 I had him fill out a stalking/protection order to present to the judge at the hearing. 
 hoping the order will be granted in his favor. 

Orange County Injunction Questions

Here are some questions from a reader, if anyone has any experience or advice to share with her.

My biological daughter has issued a temporary injunction against me. I live in Sarasota county and she lives in Orange County.  I need to speak to an expert when it comes to family law. My biological parents had adopted my daughter under extreme duress 16 years ago. 

I have been paying for it ever since. I appreciate any help or clarity. My parents have brainwashed my biological daughter and manipulated many things over the years. I moved away to get away from them it was only the past year that we all decide to forgive one another & start again. However, my daughter wants nothing to do with me. I only had reached out to her after my parents suggested I try a different approach. This approach has now landed me a court date on 8/27. 

The injunction of course is filled with coached material from my mother.  The confusing part is my parents and sister have stated they no longer were going to support my daughter's anger or enable her when everyone in the family has started over. I was told by my father just the other night my daughter will have to make a choice to forgive and move on; or she can make other arrangements for the holiday. 

I would appreciate any help. She is twenty and I seriously want her to be independent but this temporary injunction makes no sense. It is impossible to stalk her when I have a life in another county two hours away. I do not want to attend this court date by myself.  What is shocking that my mother and sister who I have talked to everyday for the past year provided private text messages to my daughter & a judge took it as apart of me stalking her which is so ridiculous. We are all family and I just do not get it. My dad refuses to be apart of this mess that my mom created.  My daughter is all over the internet from her youtube channel & instagram. I am not a stalker I am her biological mom & sister. I am 42 years old and I just want my life back to normal without any of this drama.  Thank you in advanced for reading and helping.

Restraining orders at US Customs and Border Protection

Angela, the woman who had restraining orders against me for about eight years, successfully petitioned for her first restraining order against me in Dec 2008.  After I was served with the copy of the final restraining order, there was little further drama for a couple of years and I avoided contact with Angela.  During those first two years, I was unable to travel internationally due to financial limitations.

After a couple of years, though, that changed when improvements in my employment situation led to more travel both personally and for work.  During my first trip to Canada, there were no problems in leaving the US, but the experience when returning to the US was definitely different with a restraining order in effect.  In flying back to the US from Canada, at most of the major Canadian airports one clears US Customs and Border Protection in Canada before boarding one's flight, rather than at the US destination airport.  This is known as "preclearance".  When I arrived at the preclearance location, the process of clearing customs started in the normal way.  But at a certain point it became evident that something had showed up on the officer's screen that he wasn't happy with.  He started asking questions like "have you ever been arrested?" and "what brought you to Canada?"  Eventually he put my documents in a folder, wrote some kind of code on the customs form, and directed me to a back room known as the "secondary inspection" area.

Secondary inspection is a mechanism by which US Customs detains travelers for more intense inspections.  At the primary inspection area, the officers are generally allotted only a limited amount of time to screen each traveler.  If the traveler cannot be cleared in that time frame, they are sent to secondary inspection where there is a much longer delay.  People get sent to secondary inspection for various reasons.  Sometimes it is random.  Sometimes people's answers at primary inspection don't quite add up in the estimation of the officer.  Sometimes noncitizens are entering the US with more complex paperwork than an ordinary tourist or business traveler and it takes more time to process their entry.  It seems, however, that with an active restraining order, one gets sent to secondary inspection most of the time whether a citizen or not.

Mostly for me secondary inspection just involved a delay.  The first few trips to secondary inspection resulted in delays of about 45 minutes or so.  I've heard of much longer delays though.  When going through preclearance a delay can present a problem because if delayed for too long, one can miss one's flight.  That first time, I waited for about 45 minutes without much to do (you have to turn off all electronic devices in the secondary inspection area).  After about 45 minutes, I was finally called up to see an officer in the secondary inspection area.  The actual questions at secondary inspection were quite brief--no more detailed than at primary inspection.  The officer did mention Angela by name and asked a bit about the restraining order, but not in a lot of detail.  He also briefly searched my luggage and then cleared me to proceed and catch my flight.

After my first trip to secondary inspection, I'd hoped that they would have "cleared" the restraining order in their system and noted that, although I had a restraining order, there were no associated arrests or warrants that would lead to a problem entering the country.  However it seemed that the process of clearing secondary inspection had to be repeated each time.  My second trip abroad was just a few weeks later, and this time I went to Asia and cleared US customs stateside.  Again the officer at primary inspection noticed something awry in my records and asked me some questions that were directed at the restraining order, and sent me to secondary inspection.  There I waited, again for about 45 minutes, before being cleared to enter the country.

These trips to secondary inspection presented a couple of problems for me.  One is that they were embarrassing especially when traveling on business with people who didn't know about the order and presumably thought of me as an upstanding member of the community.  It is embarrassing to be singled out of a group one is traveling with and directed to a back room for further questioning.  If traveling with a group on business, I often ended up coming up with an excuse to not travel back with the group to avoid this embarrassment.  I'd still fly out to the foreign destination with the group, as I never had problems leaving the US.  But I might ask to take a couple of days off to visit the foreign country as a tourist, thereby avoiding traveling back with the group.  Alternatively, if the other members of the group opted for their own reasons to stay in the other country for a few days as tourists, I'd come up with a reason why I needed to return immediately--and therefore could be sure of traveling on a different flight.  Fortunately, I've never had to travel internationally so much that these habits attracted too much attention.

I also noticed that the customs officials at preclearance locations in Canada were just a notch less intimidating than their counterparts at US airports.  I believe that is because the preclearance officers in Canada don't directly have the powers of arrest since they are not in their own country.  For this reason, when returning to the US from a business trip in Asia, I would often arrange to connect through an airport in Canada so as to clear US customs in Canada.

The questions asked at secondary inspection generally seemed to assume a past relationship between myself and Angela, because restraining orders are often sought in divorce cases.  The questioning would usually open with something like "who's Angela?", "have you ever been married?", or "are you still married to Angela?"  In fact I've never been married to Angela, but they seem to make certain assumptions in these secondary inspections.  One officer did tell me that the reason for such an inspection is to verify that the two people aren't travelling together, which would be a violation of the order.  Regardless of the reasons for the secondary inspection, these trips to secondary inspection were probably the most inconvenient part of having a restraining order against me.  Once the final restraining order expired, I have never again had to go to secondary inspection.

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