Many people in bad relationships that turn into domestic violence situations with restraining orders are unaware they are in relationships with people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. And many people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder are equally unaware they have it at all. Unaware of their mental condition, they go through life idolizing then devaluing those close to them, always in the victims role. Relationships with a Borderline start out quickly and intensely, and can be quite addictive. In the Idolizing phase of the relationship, you will think you have finally met your "soul mate". Little clues may begin to surface as they bad mouth past relationships, even their best friends and family to you, but by then you may find yourself so addicted to them you will think "this will never happen to me". This vacillation between "Good" and "Bad" is called Borderline Splitting. Unlike a more normal person, the person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder sees things in Black and White, with no shades of Grey.
Thus, a person in a relationship with a Borderline is either all good, or all bad.
Unfortunately, many people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder are seldom told what is really wrong with them by Mental Health Professionals. Most Insurance Plans will not pay for Borderline Personality Disorder Treatment because it is so difficult to treat, and the success rate for Borderline Personality Disorder Treatment is very low.
Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships can often lead to domestic violence as the partner of the Borderline struggles to understand what it happening.
Once a person with Borderline Personality Disorder splits, and you become "Bad" in their eyes, they will do anything and everything to get rid of you, including calling the police, and/or obtaining restraining orders. I found the article below while surfing the Internet.
Restraining Orders and Borderline Personality Disorder
Some use them like candy. They get restraining orders on their partners regularly because of their black and white thinking. Many of the more advanced borderline personality disordered will have a number of restraining orders on others and themselves.
Why Restraining Orders?
Borderlines have such black and white thinking that you are either good or bad in their minds — you are either evil and out to do them wrong, or you are their savior. Ironically, these thoughts about a single person could almost co-exist inside a person.
Once the BPD splits and views you as all bad in the moment, they will do everything that they can to get you out of their life. Remember that borderline personality is a chronic feeling of emptiness, so getting you out of their life also becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
One time, I asked the BPD that I was involved with, “what happens if I actually leave when you have one of these episodes?”
She responded with, “I always thought that’s what I deserve, to be alone.”
You can’t have a normal, fully functional relationship with someone who thinks that they deserve to be alone. Given a borderline’s instability and their self-loathing, this could come out in a number of harmful ways.
A true borderline continually plays the victim role. They have to be the victim of someone, something, constantly. As the partner of a borderline, they will be the victim of you.
Protect Yourself
If you are (or were) in a relationship with a borderline, you need to be aware of the restraining order trap and steer clear of it. The problem with a borderline relationship is that things can get so bad so quickly, and you don’t know when it is going to happen, that you can find yourself in a terrible situation with very little notice.
Watch for the following warning signs when dealing with a borderline:
First, get an attorney to defend you. Get the best attorney that you can afford as they will provide you with sound legal advice. I’m not an attorney and don’t play one on TV, so I don’t want to overstep my advice here.
Defend yourself to the fullest extent that you can. Be sure to have no contact with the borderline if at all possible. If children are involved, of course, you’ll need to work through this.
You don’t want to be with someone who is threatening to call the police on you, filing restraining orders, being physically violent or treating you like you’re a terrible person that’s out to victimize them. You can find people that will treat you well — I promise.
If you feel you must stay in a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly, be sure to have boundaries before things ever escalate. Know when and what will make you walk away from a particular situation, and try to stick to those boundaries.
IF you are just coming out of a failed relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, my personal advice is to try not to harbor any feelings of anger or resentment. Being angry with someone is much like pissing in your own pants. The person who feels it the most will usually be you. Just as we would not be angry with a dyslexic child who can't read fluently, why be angry with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder ? It is not their fault! My advice is to forgive them and move on, for your own health and sanity.
Why Restraining Orders?
Borderlines have such black and white thinking that you are either good or bad in their minds — you are either evil and out to do them wrong, or you are their savior. Ironically, these thoughts about a single person could almost co-exist inside a person.
Once the BPD splits and views you as all bad in the moment, they will do everything that they can to get you out of their life. Remember that borderline personality is a chronic feeling of emptiness, so getting you out of their life also becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
One time, I asked the BPD that I was involved with, “what happens if I actually leave when you have one of these episodes?”
She responded with, “I always thought that’s what I deserve, to be alone.”
You can’t have a normal, fully functional relationship with someone who thinks that they deserve to be alone. Given a borderline’s instability and their self-loathing, this could come out in a number of harmful ways.
A true borderline continually plays the victim role. They have to be the victim of someone, something, constantly. As the partner of a borderline, they will be the victim of you.
Protect Yourself
If you are (or were) in a relationship with a borderline, you need to be aware of the restraining order trap and steer clear of it. The problem with a borderline relationship is that things can get so bad so quickly, and you don’t know when it is going to happen, that you can find yourself in a terrible situation with very little notice.
Watch for the following warning signs when dealing with a borderline:
- Threatening to contact the police: Many times these are false claims that are again trying to play the victim. However, they could be real, and I’d recommend staying away from anyone who wants to call the police. I know, you can usually calm them down. It’s not your job, and you need to maintain your self dignity. Leave any situation where the borderline is threatening to call the police.
- Physical violence: When an extreme fight breaks out, the borderline may hit, kick or scratch at you. At this point, your body’s fight or flight responses take over as adrenaline rushes through your veins. DO NOT FIGHT. WALK AWAY. I can’t stress this enough. Even if the borderline hit you square in the face, once you throw a punch, you may be defending yourself to the police or a judge. Walk away. You don’t want to be with someone who is physically violent with you.
- Beginning to play the victim role, of you: Follow me here. Once the borderline starts to become the victim of you and your actions, your world will be turmoil. I’m taking a leap here as I personally stayed involved with the borderline as she tried to be the victim of me over and over again, but maybe you’ll be smarter than me. Believe me, in the long run, it’s better. You don’t want to be with someone that views you so poorly, even if they also idealize you. In the end, they don’t treat you well, and you can find someone that treats you better.
First, get an attorney to defend you. Get the best attorney that you can afford as they will provide you with sound legal advice. I’m not an attorney and don’t play one on TV, so I don’t want to overstep my advice here.
Defend yourself to the fullest extent that you can. Be sure to have no contact with the borderline if at all possible. If children are involved, of course, you’ll need to work through this.
You don’t want to be with someone who is threatening to call the police on you, filing restraining orders, being physically violent or treating you like you’re a terrible person that’s out to victimize them. You can find people that will treat you well — I promise.
If you feel you must stay in a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly, be sure to have boundaries before things ever escalate. Know when and what will make you walk away from a particular situation, and try to stick to those boundaries.
IF you are just coming out of a failed relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, my personal advice is to try not to harbor any feelings of anger or resentment. Being angry with someone is much like pissing in your own pants. The person who feels it the most will usually be you. Just as we would not be angry with a dyslexic child who can't read fluently, why be angry with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder ? It is not their fault! My advice is to forgive them and move on, for your own health and sanity.
