Domestic Violence And Abusive Personalities

You WILL do as I say!  I was recently thinking about a 'special friend' of mine, who is trapped in a Marriage with an abusive  and controlling person she does not really Love. This  'special friend' of mine is a very sweet girl, but she is such a sweet person and a people pleaser, she failed to communicate HER needs or anger to her last boyfriend, who I also know very well!  She would be angry with her last boyfriend, and tell all her friends and family about it. Neglecting to tell her friends or family any GOOD things about her past boyfriend, or how much she really Loved him, they advised her to leave him, or face expulsion from the family. Desperate to be 'accepted' by her family and friends, and trapped because she has said so many bad things about him, she met the Man she is currently married to. Like many Abusive relationships, this one started out quickly. He seemed 'charming' and genuinely 'interested' in her.  Her family welcomed her new boyfriend with open arms, desperate to 'get her away' from her past  'Bad' relationship.  Despite warnings and proof about his violent, abusive past, she rationalized  that it was a 'long time ago', and decided to ignore things. In fact, I was with this 'special friend' when her husband called 10 times in a 15 minute period because he was so 'worried about her'.  As we shall see later on in this article, that was simply an  excuse to 'hide' his controlling behavior!  LOL, I am tracking your every move with a Keylogger! God Help You If You Call Or Talk With Anyone I Said You Couldn't Talk To             She has told people he spies on her computer with Hidden Keylogger Spy Programs, checks her incoming and outgoing cell phone calls, text messages, and emails, and even wants her not to talk with close friends she has had long before they ever met.  I truly feel sorry for my 'special friend' because she truly is a trapped animal.  She has alienated her ex boyfriend, the one she really loves, by double crossing him recently. It is highly doubtful he will ever trust her again. And besides, she has said so MUCH bad shit about him to her friends and family w/o ever telling anyone what she did to cause it, there is no going back.  My 'special friend' is a sweet girl, but she is on disability, unable to support herself. So now she finds herself depressed, and in an abusive, super controlling Marriage with a Man she is not really in Love with, who freaking Spies on her.  To make matters worse, she is terrified to contact her ex boyfriend, (the one she really loves)  scared to death he will tell her husband to 'get  back' at her for her recent escapades. As I said, I 'know' her ex boyfriend well, very well!  The 2 of them recently got back together, w/o her current husbands knowledge! They had a lot of legal problems in the past, and it caused a lot of ongoing legal problems for him, plus it greatly effected his business!  Her ex boyfriend was very upset, but he also went to a lot of therapy and completed anger management. Instead of reading her the riot act, he created a  Blog, where he could WRITE about, not ACT on, his hurt feelings.  Remember, her ex boyfriends business was greatly compromised by what she did to him? In fact, MOST of the Blog he wrote was written right after he got out of Jail, when he was very pissed off.  In fact, when the 2 of them recently got back together, he even TOLD her about the Blog! No matter, she found the Blog, and freaked out w/o even talking to him about it.  As I said, I know both of the people, and I see a serious communications problem here, and little more.  It really is a tragic story for 2 people who really Love each other. One now has health problems, and one is trapped in a controlling marriage with someone she don't even Love.  I found this article about how to spot and identify a controlling relationship for our readers. See if any of this fits the relationship YOU are in ?    Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs. While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). I am only spying on you for your own good! Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

Jealousy God Help You If You Call Or Talk With Anyone I Said You Couldn't Talk To! At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage, monitor your cell phone, or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. Controlling Behaviour Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. (calling 10 times to say they were 'worried' about you) Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry, upset, or 'fake concern' if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not. Quick Emotional Involvement Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself sexually to him/her. Unrealistic Expectations The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation. Isolation Why did I ever marry this man ? The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction by telling you WHO you can talk to. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications. Blame-shifting for Problems Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to. Blame-shifting for Feelings The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression. Hypersensitivity Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.). 'Playful' use of Force in Sex He/she may pressure you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent. Rigid Gender Roles Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion. Verbal Abuse In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family. For more information on verbal abuse, see Verbal Abuse. Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity. Drink or Substance Abuse While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence. (See What about alcohol and domestic abuse?) History of Battering or Sexual Violence Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends. Negative Attitude toward Women Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect. Threatening Violence LOL, I am tracking your every move with a Keylogger! This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you". Breaking or Striking Objects The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them. Any Force during an Argument An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility. If you are having difficulty viewing the video, it can be found at the following link on YouTube. The video was created by Mandy Kloppers, a psychiatrist who also created the text-tonic site which offers counselling via text and skype.